Wednesday, 21 September 2011

A letter to Metro Newspaper

Today the Metro printed an article by Fred Attewill about how gamers are "trapped in virtual worlds".  C&VG have done a great article here and I wrote a letter to the Metro and Fred:

"Hi Fred,

Just read your recent article in the Metro this morning “Gamers are trapped in virtual worlds” and wanted to congratulate you on a brilliant piece of journalism which is very pertinent to some serious issues I currently face.  I have to confess I’m addicted to gaming so the notion of being trapped in a virtual world is so close to the truth for me now that I’m currently in the process of seeking professional help.

Only the other day I booked an appointment with my GP to discuss my issues.  When I got there the doctors surgery was under attack from a group of rotting zombie things who started to chase me because I’d set off a nearby car alarm.  So I found the nearest building and started to clamber up, fortunately on the roof there was a small garden for me to hide in whilst the undead hordes calmed down and ambled on down the street past my location. My map turned blue so I knew I was safe for the time being but couldn’t seem to get back down the way I’d come up so I leapt across to the local church and quickly shimmied up the 300 foot spire to the very top. The view was absolutely stunning, I could see the whole of town from up there and then an eagle flew past me and I took a photo of it and gained some PP.  Then I jumped off into a bale of hay. It hurt my back a bit but I ate an apple and my health was instantly restored.  I’ve since fitted a special augmentation device that allows me to jump from any height (within reason of course) and land without fear of injury or the need for hay. It looks ace next to my elbow blade augs as well. I tried my blades out on two security guards the other day and they worked a treat.

Anyway, still trying to get to the GP in the vain hope he hadn’t yet had his brains eaten, I boarded a helicopter gunship and sat in the gunners seat to use the massive gun they all seem to have. This enabled me to clear a path through the zombies, then the pilot got shot so I had to take over flying duties and managed to land it on top of the surgery building (even though I've never piloted a helicopter before, but the controls were so intuitive!). I got out, took some more photos of stuff and then shot the lock off a door to access the building.  I found a little maintenance room that contained some first-aid kits, a spade, a broom, a baseball bat, a box of nails and a shotgun (with ammo) so I took all these (there's never a retro-lancer lying around when you need one is there)?  Carrying all this gear caused me to become over-encumbered and I couldn't take a single step in any direction, so I ditched the broom and I could then move freely again.

I advanced down the stair-well and entered the reception area and there were two zombies in there that noticed me and started to wander over. I took the spade to them as it makes for a great melee weapon. After dispatching the zombies my spade snapped so I discarded it and switched to the shotgun.  The lady at reception seemed to be hunched over the desk so I asked whether my GP could see me now and she looked up and one eyeball was missing and her lower jaw was missing but this hadn’t stopped her enjoying the plate of brains and leg that was on the desk.  Luckily I’d turned on auto-aim (I don’t usually because it’s lame) and blew her head clean off with the shotgun. She dropped a keycard which I grabbed and ran to what I presumed was my GPs room as all the other doors were boarded up. I inserted the keycard and turned the handle and I was in.

The Doctor was there but he’d gone insane and was doing experiments and stuff to some of the patients so I threw some hypodermic syringes at him and downed him. I didn't even need to shoot the explosive red barrels next to him but I did anyway because the explosions look ace. Then I went home and had a romantic time with a blue alien I met (miles better than that green one Captain Kirk had) and we discussed how we were going to stop the Reaper threat in the current economic climate.

I’m not bothering with going to the doctors again as it’s way too much like hard work as you can see from my harrowing tale.  I’m off out now to steal cars and drive like a maniac. Please can you stop promoting games in your paper and take the gaming section off your website because it’s just fuelling my addiction.

Regards
Bickle77"

9 comments:

James Sterling said...

Well crafted letter friend. It's been a long time since I picked up a metro. Clearly I'm missing out on some classy journalism.

As with anything enjoyable in life, there will always be a small minority that take things to the extreme. I thought we'd seen the last of people blaming gaming for all that is wrong with society though.

In my opinion, modern video-games represent some of the most engaging, accessible and thought provoking media available.

Bickle77 said...

Yes, video games are an art form now just as much as movies, books and other forms of entertainment. Unfortunately there's a lot of ill-informed, frightened little people out there who feel the need to write nonsense about something they know nothing about. Thankfully the industry is worth billions now, so the like of the Daily Mail and Alan Titmarsh won't be able to destroy it even if they tried!

The Elderly said...

An excellent and brilliant reply :)

..it's not just me then!! your being chased by Zombies too!.. well thank heavens, well, sorry I mean how unfortunate :(

.. but we are indeed blessed that the Metro has recognised our plight, thank you dear friend for bringing this to their attention!! Indeed it is my fervent wish that I could see the editors face if this makes it to his desk.

Now if you'll excuse me...

(jumps through window, pulls parachute, lands and rolls behind parked ice cream van.)

Bickle77 said...

Good landing! Be careful jumping out of windows though, I definitely recommend the Icarus Landing System which you can purchase at any good LIMB clinic. There's one just around the corner from me... or was that in a game I played? I can't tell, it's all blurring into one reality where I no longer know what's real and what's not.

The Elderly said...

what? a real world?

(bullet time)

...ducks incoming bullet, which lodges in Bickle's wall, spewing a cloud of dust particles into the air...

oops! 8( sorry bout that...

Bickle77 said...

Dude! My wall...!

The Elderly said...

:(

(phones plasterer....)

he'll be here in 5 minutes,

(phones painter...)

..all will be right as rain shortly.. which gives us enough time to beat the heck out of those zombies in your bathroom..

..you okay for energy boost bars?

Bickle77 said...

I'm good for energy bars thanks. I only have an oar and a rusty pipe in the bathroom though so you might struggle with those zombies. I'm off to the shed to combine some stuff together to make some weapons of mass awesomeness.

The Elderly said...

(rubs sweat off brow...)

...okay I better wait, this paddle is only going to last so long... here take this deodorant can...

...parents never told me life would be this hazardous...!